he is beautiful and a whore and he'll die with you on the floor...
Jon

mind the gap
you will scream for me
do the candy flip
all of you boys and all of you girls

I can't be the only one. I typed this shit at 6:40 pm on Tuesday 6th Apr. 2004
mood | sore

It's odd... I was at Dregen's, and for some reason we started talking about children. I told him I'd probably like to have a kid one day, down the line. Then Paige popped up, and I quickly left the scene to avoid seeing any Dregen/Paige action. When I got back home I sat down in Jay's lap and pestered him, but as I was in the middle of the pestering there came a knock at the door... and who should it be? None other than Jay's son, Rowan. I think Jay fell over. I think I might have had a heart-attack... seriously.

Anyway, so yes, we have a son. His name is Rowan; he's four. Yesterday we took him to Toys R' Us and got him a bike and a batman action figure thingy, and then we got him so new clothes. We have to figure out how to convert the attic, which we've decided to do for his room, since our flat only has our bedroom and a bathroom, and he can't very well sleep on the sofa or in the tub for the rest of his life.

It's odd having a kid around. It's only been two days, but... it feels longer. His first night here he slept in bed with us, and it was a really.. strange... amazing feeling. I can't describe it. Just like... Jay and I are responsible for another life now. True, I don't legally or technically get any say in anything when it comes down to it, but I don't think Jay is going to say that I can't help raise Rowan and I'm going to be no part in it... we're parents together... I'd not just leave him all alone with this. We're daddy Jay and daddy Jon. It's still not sinking in.

4 of you boys will love me...

I typed this shit at 8:27 pm on Thursday 1st Apr. 2004
mood | manly

Since Jay is now Loretta, from now on, call me Bob. I'm going to stop waxing and let all my body hair grow out, and grow a goatee, and shave my head, and wear muscle shirts all the time, and become a body builder.

19 of you boys will love me...

I typed this shit at 6:33 am on Monday 8th Mar. 2004
mood | angry

Ashley:
You aren't good enough for Bryan. I'm glad you fucking left him, he's on such a higher level than you are, you fucking neanderthal.

And Jay and I send our sincerest wishes that you cannot piss without a tube for months.

4 of you boys will love me...

Sparky Pants. I typed this shit at 4:27 am on Friday 5th Mar. 2004
mood | amused






Meet Sparky Pants
my adopted
Sea-Monkey!
36 of you boys will love me...

to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy... I typed this shit at 7:30 am on Sunday 8th Feb. 2004
mood | loved

So... mine and Jay's one year anniversary is coming up soon. In the next week or two. The circumstances around our coming together are confusing and many, so I'm not exactly 100% sure when we actually became a couple rather than two people fucking. For a total of one second I thought we'd not reach it, but I have no doubts anymore. At all.


I went to a tattoo parlour at two am on Saturday. It's the only tattoo place in Jarvis, and I was expecting and fearing it to be dirty and run down and unsanitary as the outside of it was. I walked in and it was absolutely beautiful inside. There's an elaborate set up of glass display cases full of beautiful and exotic body jewelry, a whole wall of mirrors for you to try things out, and the remaining three walls are covered in tattoo designs and the names of the people who have custom designed them. I spent a bit looking around, and then noticed a sign saying the piercing and tattooing rooms were downstairs, so I went downstairs and found some artists who were on a coffee break. They gave me a tattoo sheet and I drew out exactly what I wanted, they penned it on me, and then they both set to work. They turned what could have been a four day adventure in tattoo land into a nine hour adventure in tattoo land (3 am to noon), with two short breaks between.. and they were so incredibly clean. They sanitized the needles in front of me and they were very precise. I've never had such a lovely experience being inked. And it's beautiful. Perfect. It's my anniversary gift to Jay. His initials in an elaborate design across the small of my back... the two ends of the design go to the centre of the sides of my hips.

I showed it to him last night, early, and he got choked up, so it had the desired effect. I love him so fucking much it isn't even fathomable, and even if my heart is broken in his hands, it belongs to him, and he'll fix it.

My back hurts, but I have a beautiful, exhausted man in my bed and I'm missing his arms around me. We've got hurdles to clear still, and we've had one hell of a year. Hopefully many more lie ahead.


Also... don't be alarmed, but I think I might be gay.

44 of you boys will love me...

no cosmic lover preassigned... I typed this shit at 1:00 pm on Tuesday 3rd Feb. 2004
mood | content

It feels amazing. Being free... being free with someone you love.

Last night I came in from a very short stint at work, and before Jay could even say hello I announced that we should jump on his bike and just go. And so five minutes and some very skillful packing later and we had lined Christian up to watch the pets and we were gone. I don't know where we're going. Honestly, I don't know where we are right now. We've been speeding along all night and we've just stopped for some rest in some dinery cafe place with one lonely computer. We'll be off again soon, I suppose... after I stuff my face and have a short nap.

No cosmic destination, just road and sky and my heart in my arms.

will love me...

I typed this shit at 5:31 am on Tuesday 9th Dec. 2003
There was a small bubble. It was translucent... it looked so fragile... so I steered clear of it until it grew bigger, gave the appearance of being stronger. When I finally touched it, it exploded, and I drowned.

You can't always be strong, but that doesn't mean you're weak.
will love me...

our hearts pump dust and our hair's all grey... I typed this shit at 9:09 pm on Tuesday 25th Nov. 2003
It is my experience that when you have to tell someone you trust them and it is no longer the beginning months, the relationship is over.

Same goes for you doubting trust in the other.
8 of you boys will love me...

for this one last time let me fall into your arms... it'll be alright... I typed this shit at 12:12 pm on Monday 10th Nov. 2003
mood | dumb

I don't recommend trying to play with swans. They're beautiful and all, but holy shit are they mean.

4 of you boys will love me...

universe inside of your heart... why don't you let me know so you can be free, baby... I typed this shit at 12:04 pm on Monday 3rd Nov. 2003
It would seem that hospital beds are good places to do naughty things.
Or maybe we're just in hospitals entirely too much.
Or maybe we do naughty things entirely too much... nah.

Things are slowly getting better. Very slowly.
2 of you boys will love me...

I typed this shit at 2:45 am on Sunday 2nd Nov. 2003
I hate this.
will love me...

I typed this shit at 9:32 pm on Friday 31st Oct. 2003
happy halloween. and shit.

I'll be the short effeminate man with blackberry blue body paint on, looking like a smurf. Hopefully. I think I did quite well with it.
1 of you boys will love me...

I typed this shit at 9:18 pm on Saturday 25th Oct. 2003
mood | aggravated

I was walking to work, as I have a client coming in tonight who is very picky and likes things just so, but gives very big sums of money for this, and money is always needed for food and such. As I neared, I noticed a board up over the door and a sign hanging on, and a couple of the dancers, people who had purchased the club in cahoots with Jay, standing in front of it, looking confused and angry. I got close enough to see the sign... "Closed by Board of Health Until Further Notice" it read. I was shocked. Why would our club be closed by the board of health?? I'm a bartender and I've never noticed anything unsanitary about the bar or food. If anything, we're one of the cleaner clubs in West Eden, and most of the clubs and bars need to be shut down but don't get that treatment, as usually the board of health doesn't handle clubs/bars in the same area as restaurants. I'm obsessive compulsive, so everything behind that bar gets scrubbed three times over. It can't be unsanitary. So the confusion sets in. We stood around and discussed this for a while, wondering what had happened and when we were going to hear from this "board of health", then we went our separate ways to vent the frustration the best ways we knew how.

Forboding, is all I have to say.

8 of you boys will love me...

in the naaaaame of loveee... I typed this shit at 10:20 pm on Wednesday 15th Oct. 2003
mood | aggravated

People who can't type/use correct spelling or grammar/write in general piss me off. A lot.

I'm sick as fuck and in a really bad mood, and to top it all the fuck off... I can't be touched until Sunday evening.

Edit: I've got this forty-eight hour flu bug going around. Originally I thought it was mono, because secretly I was afraid the bartender had really spit into my drink, but I think not. I'm sure Jerry just wanted to make me fret. Flu will be gone by Friday and all will be right with my immune system, so I've been told.

will love me...

I typed this shit at 3:28 pm on Tuesday 7th Oct. 2003
mood | cynical

some things happen in life that make you stronger, tougher. and some things happen that break you apart. when I've been broken, I'll give up.

while my heart can be shattered by sledge-hammer blows, yours could be shattered by the touch of a fingernail. Ice will prove it for your eyes.

will love me...

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